Single Parenthood

19Jan09

Today is just one of those days for me – I’m feeling all crappy and down.

I realized today that even though I have a boyfriend – I’m a single parent and it’s just me and Baby Crazy. Sure he helps out – but… well, I don’t know how to explain it, but he’s not her dad and I don’t rely on him for much of anything.

While I was about 6 months pregnant I realized that I was in this alone – the donor had abandoned us for a 20yr old high-school drop out that doesn’t have custody of her 5yr old son. I made a promise to Baby Crazy then that no matter what she would always come first and that I would do everything in my power to keep her from feeling the hurt of only knowing one parent. I promised her that I would fill her world and her life with so much love she wouldn’t even realize that it wasn’t the “norm” to have only one parent. When she was born – we spent the first night alone in the hospital room and I reaffirmed my promise to her. I held her until they made me let the nurses take her to the nursery for 2 hours so I could get some sleep.

Now – I realize that even after I get married (if and when) it will still be, and always will be, me and her. She means more to me than life itself and I can’t imagine some one who is NOT her father loving her the way I do – the way her donor should. Somehow, the significant other will always be just on the other side of my bond with her. She depends on me for everything – and I depend on her for my smiles. A year and 2 months later I’m still sickeningly, cornily in love with my kid and I love every minute of it.

I made the sacrifice to work nights because even though my employer pays me well – I still can’t afford day care and afford to feed my kid. I also don’t want her in day care until she can talk to me and tell me what’s going on. I spend all day with Baby Crazy and then go to work at 6pm and don’t get off work until 2:30am the next morning. I have very little contact with the normal people who work during the day and go home at night. Because of that my relationship with the bestie suffered and I made a decision that still hurts a little. She and I are on the mend – but I know that the decision probably stung her a little more than it did me.

I’m sure this post seems random – but I needed to get this stuff out. Back to the regularly scheduled programming now…..
One of Baby Crazy’s one year pics – my fav. one.

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3 Responses to “Single Parenthood”

  1. What a beatiful pic! As a solo mom… I get it!

    But I can’t help but wonder: Have you talked to your boyfriend about this? Is he open to being more involved?

    What if things continue to move forward and you two do decide have a child together?… Big hug!

  2. Oops… “Beautiful”!! (Watching Obama on the TV at the same time…)

  3. Single Mom – He’s very involved. The problem is he doesn’t parent the way I do – and this is a problem for me. He doesn’t seem to understand that I will NOT budge on the way I parent. So… Yeah.

    Btw – I keep wanting to check your blog but can’t here at work. And I always forget when I’m at home….


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