Of Course I’m the Problem…

16Jun09

Over the last few years I’ve been in quite a few tumultuous relationships. All ended badly (can relationships end any other way?). So I had begun wondering what I had done in a past life or what karmic sin I had committed to chronically end up in bad relationships. Or what was I supposed to be learning?

Recently I realized that the problem is me. I get treated badly, used, and abused. But, it all happens because I ALLOW it all to happen. I don’t set the boundaries and if I do, I don’t make them clear. I don’t make myself a force or presence to be reckoned with. I let myself become a door mat, and then cry when I get used like one.

The most recent failure (or was it a learning experience?) ended because I realized that I was having to mother and take care of a grown man with a child of his own. One that he never saw, not because he didn’t want to – but because he wasn’t willing to fight for his rights to see his son. That bothered me. Bothered me badly. So I called it quits and decided it was time to take a time out from dating and focus solely on the Monkey and I. That was in February.

It’s now June, and I’ve somehow stumbled into another relationship. But this one has no red flags, no signs that make me stop and wonder what the hell he’s thinking. Nothing that makes me think that he’ll do the same things the rest of them did. I say I stumbled into a relationship because when I met him, I had no intentions of getting into a relationship. I wanted to hang out with him and be friends. Seriously. But we hung out one night, and after passing out on his couch that night (fully clothed, and no adult activities were involved – thankyouverymuch!) we just sort of….are. Not sure exactly how, but we’re together now. It’s been two weeks so far, and I’m still kind of in bliss mode.

We both have understandings of what the other party will and will not tolerate, behaviors that are unacceptable, and still – we’re both interested. When we both realized that this is what we were doing, we sat down and talked about these things. It was a little akward at first, but I’m glad it happened. So glad.

So, here’s to new beginnings, and bright futures……

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